


In the Beginning- I Won't Give Up

by roman_numeral



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Brainwashing, F/M, M/M, general violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2014-04-24
Packaged: 2018-01-20 16:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1517516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roman_numeral/pseuds/roman_numeral
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Because make no mistake Bucky comes first and I will do whatever needs to be done to make him better.” Captain America stands a man apart for the first time, a man not willing to please his country if it means saving his best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Beginning- I Won't Give Up

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t read the comics, I did read wiki and I’m well aware that it’s not all reliable, so the timelines are all wrong and the details are probably wrong as well. The only thing I've seen are the movies. There is OOC-ness for almost every character, mostly because they’re all wallowing in pity or are being selfish or something along those lines. 
> 
> Also, I have no beta, so please forgive any mistakes.

He’s found with his arms around Nick Fury’s neck, only a minute later and they would have been too late to save their boss. 

They fight, three against one. And then the mask is knocked off and Steve pulls his well aimed punch back. 

“Bucky,” he whispers in awe. 

The man wearing Bucky’s face doesn’t show any sign of recognition and he doesn’t pull his punch back. 

Steve wakes up with a headache and a bruise he knows will be gone in a few hours. His first question is: “Where’s Bucky?”

Nick Fury is a man who doesn’t forgive easily. “You mean the weapon that just tried to kill me?’

Steve doesn’t care for Nick’s sensitivities, not when Bucky is concerned. “Where is he?” He stands up to full height and takes a few steps toward Nick in a way that would have most people backing away. But Nick is no push over. 

He stands his ground and stays silent for a few minutes. 

Agonizing minutes for Steve. “Nick, please, where is he?”

 

“He’s in the next room over, he’s being kept under. There’s no telling what he’ll do when he wakes up.”

Steve runs out the door and yanks the other one open. Natasha’s there, Tony, and Clint as well. 

Steve tries opening the door that separates him from a sleeping Bucky but the door wont budge. 

“They’re still working on him,” Clint explains. “Maybe when they’re done they’ll let you in.”

There’s three doctors in there, checking vital signs, drawing blood, making sure the cocktail of anesthetics is in a constant flow. 

“What happened to his arm?” Steve asks. 

Tony looks up from his electronic device. “They took it. Less dangerous that way.” There’s silence for a little while. 

“So… Who is he?” Clint asks. 

“The Winter Soldier.”

“Bucky Barnes.”

Steve and Natasha look at each other. 

“Sorry,” Natasha concedes, “you knew him first.”

“I didn’t know you knew him at all.”

“Not Bucky Barnes, only the Winter Soldier. He… he trained me.” She looks away and Clint tightens his hold on her hand. 

Tony looks from the sitting duo to the standing Captain. “How did you know him?”

“We were friends since we were kids, he was- is-,” the word was is forming on his lips again but he doesn’t say it, “my best friend. He died saving me.” He turns to Natasha, “Who is the Winter Soldier?”

It’s Tony who fills him in on the research he’s been doing. 

An assassin, Bucky’s an assassin, and the best the Russians got- had. Had, past tense, Steve corrects himself. He doesn’t tear his eyes off Bucky’s form not for one second. He listens to Tony and nods when Tony asks if he’s listening but his blue eyes are glued to the one arm man who looks so vulnerable, so lost in the small bed. 

“Can I go in,” Steve asks as soon as the doctors open the door, interrupting Tony from his detailed information. 

The head doctor hesitates. But he’s been around impatient superheroes to know a denial would just be ignored so he nods. “Do not try to wake him up, whatever happens, he must remain asleep.”

Steve nods and slowly walks in. There’s a chair he can grab and set next to Bucky’s bed but he doesn’t. 

Captain America’s comrades watch as the National Symbol of all that is good crumbles as he kneels on the side of the bed and grabs onto an assassin’s hand. 

Hot, salty tears run down Steve’s face but his brain doesn’t register them. All he knows, all he cares about is the man who he thought had been lost to him so long ago. He clings to the arm like it’s a life line, like he’s afraid to let go because Bucky will disappear if he does. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been there, kneeling on the side of Bucky’s bed, staring at his best friend’s sleeping face. If he paid any attention to them, he would realize his knees hurt or that his arms are numb from the constant position, but he pays no mind to his body. He can’t fathom the thought of looking away or being away from Bucky for one millisecond. 

He feels a hand on his back. A chair is brought to him and he sits down. A few second later Tony sits down across from him, next to Bucky’s other side. 

He fell asleep, he fell asleep. Steve immediately looks up and is relieved to find Bucky hasn’t disappeared, that it wasn’t all his imagination. The chair across from him is empty, Steve doesn’t care. 

The doctors come in and they work around him. They check vitals, his heart, his pulse, they change an IV bag and pump more sedatives into Bucky’s vulnerable body. 

“When will he be allowed to wake up,” Steve’s voice is groggy from the disuse and the day old knot that’s been sitting in his throat. 

“You’ll have to talk to Nick Fury about that. My orders come from him.”

Steve nods but he makes no attempt to move. 

Tony comes in an hour later, showered and smelling of some cologne Steve knows is worth more than it ought to be. 

“You need to eat,” Tony says. “Come on Cap lets get you some breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.”

Tony exhales sharply but he does a good job of keeping the anger out of his voice. “Come on Rogers, you wont do your friend any favors when he wakes up and finds you fading away from malnutrition.”

Steve only tightens his hold on Bucky’s arm. 

Another hour and Tony’s back again. This time with scrambled eggs, bacon and waffles. 

Minutes pass and Steve doesn’t move, Tony becomes worried. Steve licks his lips and then kisses Bucky’s bruised knuckles, only yesterday they had been open wounds. He takes the waffles and thanks Tony. He has to be strong, he has to be strong for when Bucky wakes up. 

“I’ll show you the world,“ Steve whispers caressing the still forearm. 

On the fourth day of eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner next to a comatose assassin, Tony, Natasha, and Clint finally convince him to get some fresh air. 

“How was he,” Steve asks as a gently breeze runs through his hair. 

Natasha’s green eyes pierce him. She knows so much that he doesn’t. “You’ve read the reports,” she says. Her arms are crossed, it’s a time she’d like to forget, they’re memories that still keep her up at night. 

Yeah, he’s read them alright. It’s numbers, a lot of numbers. Three dead in England, 20 casualties in Norway, 1 dead and one maimed in Africa. An entire family of 18 killed in Argentina, including the small children. 11 years in stasis, 4 weeks awake. 2 years in stasis 1 week awake, 4 years in stasis, four days awake. The number of days awake got shorter as the Winter Soldier became more proficient. Then: five months awake, to train the Black Widow. The consequence of having another top grade assassin with less mental issues: less time awake for the Winter Soldier. 

In the past 70 years, Natasha knows Bucky better than anyone else in the world. 

“I need to know,” Steve says, “was he-.” what can he say; happy? That’s a silly question. “How was he?”

“He was efficient, proficient, an excellent marksman, the stealthiest assassin, he never held back, he never missed a shot, he wasn’t ruthless and he wasn't merciful, he was what he needed to be to complete a mission. He was the best. What do you want me to say, Steve? What do you want to hear? He was an assassin, a weapon, he killed and he never failed. He didn’t know how to fail, because he was the best at what he did.” Natasha looks away from Steve’s hurt face. “I’m sorry,” she says and walks away, Clint close behind her. 

Tony steps close to the Cap. “This is hard on her too, this is hard on all of us.”

How can this be hard on them? They’re not in a bed comatose, they’re never been brainwashed. Compared to what Bucky’s been through, what do they know about suffering. 

“It’s hard seeing you like this. You’re… I don’t know, you’re taking this really hard.”

Oh, they’re worried about him. 

Steve shakes his head. “I just need him to wake up.”

The Winter Soldier wakes up while Steve is having lunch with Tony. He wakes up alone, surrounded by humming and beeping machines, with needles pocking him and his left arm missing. The room is white and it’s too bright. He sits up too fast his head spins. He gets up on his feet and falls over. Doctors and security are immediately in the room.   
He pushes the doctors away and they stumble back easily, even after fifteen days of sleep he’s still stronger than them. He growls when a needle punctures him and another one too but he doesn’t go down. His body has grown resistant to their medication. The guards electrocute him, he manages to take down two of them, but he’s severely weakened and the fight doesn’t last long. 

Steve is angry when he finds out what happened. He’s angry at the guards who’ve bruised a vulnerable Bucky, at the doctors, at Nick Fury, but most of all he’s angry at himself. 

“I should have been here,” Steve says from the other side of the panel. The doctors wont let him in, too dangerous they say, who knows if the drugs will keep him down. 

“You didn’t know, you couldn’t have known. Steve you need to stop blaming yourself for everything that happens to him.” Tony’s a good friend, but Tony doesn’t know…

Steve sleeps in the medical room, on the other side of the panel that separates them. 

He wakes up early, like always. Only this time Bucky’s figure isn’t there to greet him. 

“Where is he!” Steve demands, grabbing a doctor by his collar. 

The doctor is sweating with fear. “In one of the cells-”

“Where!” He shakes the babbling doctor. 

“Two stories underground, Director Fury-”

Steve shoves him away and runs the five flight of stairs down to the holding cells. 

The guards don’t bother stopping him. Who could possibly stop the super powered Captain America?

Steve finds him in a small dank cell with three sharp stone walls and thick iron bars keeping them apart. He’s sleeping in a small cot that doesn’t look like it should be able to hold a grown man’s weight. But there’s no sedatives keeping him down anymore, he could truly wake up any minute. Steve doesn’t want him waking up in a small dank cell like some kind of animal. Their first meeting can’t be like this. 

Just as quickly as he went in he runs out. He finds Fury in his office. 

Nick quickly ends his call. “What is the meaning of this Rogers?’

“Why is Bucky in a cell?’

“Bucky? Oh you mean the Winter Soldier, the one who tried to kill me, the one who has killed countless other, you mean that cold hearted assassin? Now, I don’t know what you’re used to in the 1940’s but here in the 21st century when someone tries to kill you when someone has killed many other we put them in prison.”

“He doesn’t belong in prison, he wasn’t himself! He was brainwashed and you know it. He’s a victim as much as anyone else!”

“Yeah he was brainwashed, and I’ll agree with you he is a victim. I wouldn’t wish what happened to him on my worst enemy. But he’s also a weapon. Don’t forget Captain Rogers. For 70 years that’s all he’s done. Kill. That’s all he probably knows how to do. The Russians had him Rogers, the Russians hate us. They turned one of our own into their greatest weapon. This wasn’t a small project for them. They pulled all the resources they could for him, they are imbedded in his brain now, you can’t shake 70 years off in a week, a month, a year, if ever.

“I do not take pleasure in seeing the innocent suffer, Rogers. But he is not innocent. If I were to let him go and he killed those deaths would be on me. He stays in that cell, it’s safest for him and for everyone else.”

Steve can’t say anything back, because Nick’s words are not completely wrong. 

“Can you move him to a better cell? Can you give him his arm back?”

They move him three cells over, it’s only slightly bigger. They give him a plastic prosthetic arm, not the metal one. 

Steve sits only a few inches away from the thick metal bars. He falls asleep and when he wakes up his neck hurts from the awkward position. He eats a cold burrito that the guards bring to him. For a second Steve wonders where Tony is. Probably in a mission, he concludes, or else he would have already brought him a grand meal. 

Steve sighs and looks at his watch: 1:34 he looks back into the cell and finds grey blue eyes looking at him. 

Steve gasps, “Bucky.”

But Bucky isn’t really looking at him. His eyes are unfocused, he shifts in his too small bed. He looks at the ceiling and then he looks around.

He’s in a cell, he wonders who captured him. He’s never been captured before, he’s never failed. He sits up, his left shoulder feels wrong and he rotates it. 

“Bucky,” it’s a whisper, his eyes focus in the dim light. “Bucky,” there’s a tall blond man on the other side of the bars. His blue eyes glisten with unshed tears, the corner of his mouth quivers with a smile that threatens to escape. 

It’s Captain America without his uniform. 

The Winter Soldier launches his metal arm thought the bars but the Captain is quick to get out of the way and that’s not his metal arm. 

The Winter Soldier stares at it. It matched the size of his flesh and bone arm, it’s a strange color, not beige, not skin color, it’s a dull orange and it has fingers that don’t move. The Winter Soldier stares at it. What have they done to him?

Steve keeps the guards away with a motion of his hand. “Bucky, Bucky look at me.” But Bucky isn’t paying attention. He’s looking at his arm then he looks at Steve and he starts breathing hard. 

“Bucky, Bucky please.”

The Winter Soldier hears nothing of what Captain America is saying, he launches on the iron bars and with his flesh and bone arm reaches out but his target is out of range. The Winter Soldier body slams the iron bars, he shakes them with his one good arm but they don’t budge one centimeter and his energy is swiftly leaving him. He’s weak, how long has he been in this cell? His world slowly turns black again. 

Steve demands a doctor check on Bucky immediately. The quivering man slowly enters the cell. Steve can’t go in and pick Bucky up, put him in his bed, they wont let him. 

“He’s fine,” the doctor says, “He’s weak from the lack of food. He should be started with liquids, soups, and vegetables, and slowly he should be able to take in more solids.”

Steve wonders how HYDRA kept Bucky in top shape, he doubts they had the patience to slowly reintroduce him to foods every time they thawed him out. Maybe his stomach didn’t need to reacclimate since it was in stasis. Steve shakes off his useless mussing and orders a guard to bring some type of soup. 

The man brings a piping hot bowl of vegetable soup, Steve tastes it and finds it light but savory. He waits patiently for his best friend to wake up. He wait’s a long time and the soup goes cold. 

The Winter Soldier wakes up on a stone cold floor, but he doesn’t feel the cold, he hasn’t for a long time. Captain America is still there. 

“Bucky,” he says and there again is a strange look in his eyes. 

The Soviet assassin slowly gets up from the floor, he’s careful not to place too much weight on the prosthetic abomination, it looks too fragile to be putting his weight on it. He sits on the cot and it creaks as he shifts. He stares right back at Captain America’s idealistic blue eyes. 

“Bucky,” there’s a strange feeling behind his voice, is it hope? The Winter Soldier can’t place it. 

“Who’s Bucky?” His own voice is devoid of any emotion. 

Captain America’s face falls, whatever feeling it was it’s gone. 

Steve starts breathing hard. 70 years, he reminds himself, 70 years against 20, he has to be patient. “There’s soup,” he nods over to a corner in the cell. “It’s cold, but it’s something, the doctor said to start off with light things and slowly work up from there.”

The Winter Soldier says nothing and he doesn’t move to get the bowl of soup.

“Uhm, aren’t you hungry?” Still nothing. “I’m Steve Roge-”

“I know who you are.”

“You do?” Again that strange look on his face. 

“You’re Captain America, you work for Nick Fury, my target. But it looks like I’m now your captive, congratulations. I must ask: what are you planning to do with me?” He speaks deliberately, enunciating every word perfectly, like a well programmed robot, the expensive kind. 

No, he’s there, he’s in there. 

“You’re not my prisoner.”

“Yet I find myself in a cell with this thing,” he motions to his false arm. 

“You tried to kill me.”

“So, I am your prisoner.”

“No-”

“Then let me go.”

“Dammit Bucky!” He jumps to his feet and grips the iron bars. “I just found you and you want me to let you go.”  
Captain America is sobbing. The Winter Soldier doesn’t know what to make of this. Among the few memories that he has he remembers his targets begging for life as he stood over them, the few that he allowed to see him. But Captain Rogers is not on his knees with a barrel against his skull. 

America’s paradigm of good sniffles, “Eat your soup please, I don’t want you getting sick.” He leaves without looking at the Winter Soldier again. 

He’s hungry his stomach rumbles. He picks up the plastic bowl and the plastic spoon, he smells it, it doesn’t smell like anything else besides food. He eats it slowly, not wanting to upset his stomach. He stares at the stone wall and eventually closes his eyes again.

It’s the first time Steve’s slept on his bed and it doesn’t feel right. He should be in the holding cells, with Bucky, he wants to be. But Bucky isn’t Bucky. Steve opens a drawer and takes out a slim photo album. There’s pictures of him with the Howling Commandos, but more importantly there’s pictures of Bucky. Bucky smiling, Bucky full of life, Bucky. 

There’s a knock on his door. 

“Come in.”

Tony walks in. “I was thinking we should go out for breakfast, you need fresh air Cap, you need to get out of here.”

Steve shakes his head. “I can’t. He woke up, I can’t leave him now.”

Tony nods. “What did he say? Did he recognize you?”

Once again Steve shakes his head. 

Tony sits next to his friend. “I don’t mean to be rude here Cap, but I think you need to see the reality of things.”

“And what is ‘the reality of things’?” There’s an uncharacteristic bitterness in Steve Rogers voice and Tony hates it. He hates that this Winter Soldier with the face of Steve’s best friend can do this to the best man he’s ever known. 

Tony must tread carefully with what he says. “I understand that Bucky Barnes is your best friend, that he means a lot to you. The Winter Soldier he’s… He’s not Bucky Barnes.” Steve goes rigid. “Hear me out. I hear you say that he’s in there, and maybe your right maybe he is. But what about you? I see you losing yourself in trying to find someone that hasn’t existed for over 70 years. And I’m not saying you can’t help him, I’m not. All I’m saying is don’t lose yourself. You’re Captain America, people look up to you. Kids want to be you. Yesterday we really could have used your help.” Tony feels like an ass for doing this. But he has to put a wedge between Steve Rogers and the Winter Soldier, he has to for the good of his friend. “We were in big trouble and for a sec… we needed you and you were with a person who can’t even remember his own name.” Tony exhales. 

“He needs me.”

“And so does the rest of the world.”

Because he feels guilty Steve accompanies Tony and they have breakfast with the rest of the team, no one asks about the Winter Soldier. The atmosphere is a bit stale but Thor lightens it with stories of Asgard which everyone finds fascinating. 

As soon as breakfast is done, Steve wraps up a bowl with fruit and heads down underground. Natasha looks at him with pity.   
Bucky’s awake, he looks at Steve’s direction as soon as he hears him. 

“I brought you some fruit,” Steve sets it in a corner, “I was going to bring you pancakes but your stomach wouldn’t be able to take it.”

Bucky says nothing. 

“I was looking though some old photo albums, and guess what I found? Look,” He pulls out an old black and white picture. Bucky doesn’t get up to see it so Steve sets it next to the fruit. “Your favorite color was blue,” Steve smiles. If HYDRA had removed or buried everything that made Bucky, Bucky then Steve would put it all back in. “Do you know your birthday, you probably don’t remember it, it‘s March 10th, one time we celebrated your birthday by going to a bar and we got so drunk,” Steve laughs at the memory, “We spent a night in jail, I was not an adventurous kid but every day with you was an adventure. I-” He hears the alarms going off and he remembers Tony’s words. “I have to go, but I’ll be back okay.”

The Winter Soldier waits till Captain America is gone, he gets up and picks up the picture. There’s two young men smiling, happy, it’s Captain America and…he’s not sure. The Winter Soldier hasn’t seen his reflection in a long time. 

Steve Rogers visit’s Bucky Barnes everyday, he tells him a different story everyday, he leaves food. Bucky never eats in front of him and he never says anything. 

Steve goes on a mission for five days. He didn’t want to go, but he needed to. 

“People need you,” Tony reminds him. “We need you.”

And because Steve Rogers doesn’t want to be accused of being a bad friend and because he still loves his country he goes. “I’ll be back in a little while,” He tells a hard faced Bucky. “Don’t forget me, it’ll just be a little while.”

It’s a mission that Steve believes could have been accomplished without him but he keeps that to himself. The mission’s done and Tony suggests they go out to celebrate. Steve declines. 

“Come on Cap, it’ll be good for you.” Still Steve says no. 

Tony doesn’t listen and orders a ton of booze to be delivered to their hotel room and then calls a hotline and scandalously clad women are soon at their door. 

Steve feels out of place, he can’t get drunk, and he looks away from the barely dressed women. Tony seems to be having fun thought. He puts dollar bills in the women’s garments and he drinks freely. 

“Come on Cap, lets see what a whole bottle of Jack will do to ya.”

“No, Tony.”

“Come on.”

Tony’s constant persistence breaks Steve’s weak resolve. He doesn’t get drunk, but he gets a buzz, and it’s nice. It’s nice to dull the pain, it’s nice to have a little peace. 

Steve thanks Tony for the good time and gets off the chopper a little freer, with a smile on his face and he can’t wait to see Bucky and tell him about the good he’s done, about how it feels to save people and have good friends. 

He goes to the holding cell and he finds it empty. There’s blood on the floor. 

Panic quickly sets in. “Bucky?” He asks the first person he sees but they shake their head. “Bucky, Bucky!?”

A doctor finds him and he’s quickly escorted to the medical wing. Bucky’s there, strapped to the bed, his left arm once again missing. 

“What happened!?” He demands. 

“The guards found him on the floor, he was screaming and hurting himself, it was a nightmare. He continued having them and hurting himself so he was brought here. He’s strapped down for his own protection.”

Steve swallows a lump of self hatred. He was out having a good time while Bucky was having nightmares. He sits down and grabs Bucky’s hand. “Forgive me,” he whispers. 

Once again he spends his days next to Bucky. The doctors plan on keeping him sedated until he’s completely healed. He had bruises on his ribs but his tongue had taken the worst of it, he had almost bit it in half. 

One day Steve wakes up to find the Black Window next to him. 

She stares at Bucky with a blank expression. 

“Natasha,” Steve says softly and she turns to look at him. 

“He gave me the name,” she says, “Black Widow. First he called me Little Spider, because I would scramble away from him. He was so fast and I was afraid, but he was patient. I’m useful to SHIELD because of what he taught me. On my last day of training with him he called me Black Widow, ‘because you are deadly,’ he said.” She went silent and kept starring at Bucky. 

“Natasha, what is it?” Steve asks in a whisper, there is something she wants to say, but was having a hard time getting it out, he could tell. 

“When Clint rescued me, I… I thank him for that I really do. But not for me. I’m grateful that no more innocent people are dying because of me. It’s nice to save people once in a while. It’s the people that matter Steve as a whole, sometimes individuals, you have to let one go to save hundreds.”

“How can you say that? Clint saved you. He didn’t let you go and he still saves hundreds, even more with you at his side.”

“Steve, Clint doesn’t live a full life because of me. He’s always checking if I’m alright, he’s always at my side because he worries. I’ve been with SHIELD for over ten years and I still have nightmares. I still wake up in cold sweats remembering what I did. I’m not a good person, Steve. If I was less selfish I would have put a bullet in my head a long time ago.”

“Natasha!”

“It’s true, Clint would be free. He’d be better off without me. The reason I’m here saving people is because I’m guilty. Guilt is the only thing that drives me, because there is no redemption, not for me and not for him. If you cared for him, truly cared then you would let him go. You’re not doing him any favors. If Bucky come back and that’s a big if, he would come back knowing that he killed hundreds, he would know that he changed the lives of thousands of innocent people, and I am not exaggerating. He would hate himself. He would remember what was done to him. The winter soldier was born of blood and pain and tears. If Bucky is a good person as you claim he is, then let him rest.”

Steve feels like he doesn’t know Natasha. How could she say those things to him?

“I will never let Bucky go, and you should not devalue the life that Clint fought so hard to save.”

Natasha’s her bottom lip trembles and she walks out without another word.   
  
The Winter Soldier wakes up with Captain America sleeping in the chair, his head on the bed. Captain America, the man had appeared in his dreams, in the nicer ones. The bad ones were the predominant ones, full of blood, of pain, of tears, of children crying and women begging for the lives of their loved ones. 

The Winter Soldier shuts his eyes tight but that only makes it worse. Blood, blood everywhere, twisted faces, faces in pain, throats sliced, a bullet in between the eyes, twisted fingers. Himself sitting in a chair crying out in pain. 

Steve wakes up to a muffled sounds of a struggling Bucky. Struggling but not making any noise. His eyes are shut tightly and he’s biting down on his bottom lip. 

“Bucky, Bucky, it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re safe, away from whatever is in your head.” Steve grabs a hold of Bucky’s hand, the one that’s handcuffed to the rail on the side of the bed. 

Even in a weakened state Bucky’s strong. And his unkempt nails dig into Steve’s flesh. Steve winces but doesn’t try to pull his hand away. “Shhhh, you’re ok, Bucky, come back, come back to me.” He caresses his friends face, smoothes his long dark hair back. 

The hold on his hand weakens and soon Bucky goes slack. His ordeal leaves him covered in sweat and there’s blood around his wrist where the handcuff had bitten against his skin as he struggled though his memories. 

Steve doesn’t care what the guards or the doctors say. With his strength he breaks the cuffs, cleans the raw wound and bandages the wrist. 

Steve looks around. Everything is white and beeping, the smell is horrible, Bucky shouldn’t be here. He makes up is mind. With his superior strength Steve Rogers picks up Bucky like he weighs nothing even though he’s a grown man with muscles. 

People stare as he goes down several hallways and uses the elevator, but what are they going to say? There’s nothing to say.

Steve sets him down in his own bed, still the man does not stir, which Steve is grateful for. He tries to make Bucky comfortable but before he’s satisfied the door to his room blasts open. 

“What is the meaning of this Rogers.” Commander Fury is well… furious. The look in his eye is murderous, his nostrils are flared and he has four guards behind him. 

“I’m taking care of Bucky,” Steve says. 

“That man right there,” Fury points to the sleeping form, “in an assassin, not a guest, not your friend who’s come for tea. He’s an assassin, he’s a prisoner. If people outside of SHIELD found out he was in your room- that the Winter Soldier was sleeping in Captain America’s room, much less his bed- it would make them question your loyalty.”

Steve stands up defiant against his superior. “Well let them question it. And in fact if you have any doubts Commander Fury, my loyalty is to Bucky, not an organization who puts the victims of monsters in cells, or chains them and tries to put them away as if they’re worthless. And if you don’t like that tell me now and I’ll take Bucky somewhere else where I can take care of him without reprimand. Because make no mistake, Bucky comes first and I will do whatever needs to be done to make him better.” Captain America stands a man apart for the first time, a man not willing to please his country if it means saving his best friend. 

Nick Fury exhales sharply. But he can’t control a self possessed man and SHIELD cannot afford to have Captain America as an enemy. “You are responsible for him. You! If he kills, Rogers, that’s on your head. Remember that. Are you willing to take that responsibility, that when he kills the blood is on your hands?”

Steve looks squarely into Fury’s eye. “When he kills it’ll be because he’s helping us not the other way around.”

“I wish I could be as optimistic as you Rogers. You’ve made your decision, I hope you can live with it.”

Steve locks the door behind him and he hopes and prays Bucky doesn’t wake up before he comes back. His next order of business is to get Bucky’s arm back. He goes to the science section of the building where they also keep the weapons. He demands the arm from the scientists but they don’t have it. 

“Where is it?”

“Mr. Stark took it, he said he wanted to see how it worked.”

He finds Tony in his own section of the building and he’s eating chow mein as he pokes at Bucky’s metal arm. 

“Tony, what are you doing?”

“Putting it back in order, I’m guessing you want this back?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“I heard what happened with Nick. So the Winter Soldier is more important than everyone else in the world?”

“Tony,” He says the name slowly but doesn’t know what else to say. It’s basically the truth. 

“I worry about you.” Tony confesses. “Before he came along you weren’t like this.” Tony steps closer to Steve. “I just want you to be careful.”

All of a sudden Steve feels uncomfortable, they’re close, so close together. Then the arm is dumped in his hands. “I mean it, Steve, be careful. 70 years don’t just disappear into thin air, no matter how much you want them to.”  
  
When the Winter Soldier wakes up he’s in a white room, but this one is bigger, the white is not too white and there are curtains that sway with a gentle breeze. He shifts and is pleasantly surprised to find his metal arm is back. He moves it around, touching each finger to his thumb and is pleased to find it in perfect working condition. 

He also wakes up to the smell of something cooking. He gets up from the large bed, the carpet feels nice on his feet. He stands there and keeps moving his feet against the carpet, enjoying the feeling. It was always a cold floor before, so cold his toes would twist against his will. 

He walks towards the humming and finds Captain America flipping pancakes. 

Steve makes a startled sound when he finds Bucky only a few feet away from him. “Uhm, why don’t you sit on the table, I’m almost done.”

He doesn’t know why but he does just as the Captain says. 

A glass of apple juice is set in front of him and then the Captain places pancakes in front of him. 

The Winter Soldier looks up at Captain America. “I’m not who you think I am.”

“And who do you think, that I think you are,” Steve can’t help but smile, they’re having a conversation. 

“You call me Bucky, but I am the Winter Soldier.”

Steve’s smile falters only a little. “You weren’t always the Winter Soldier, I think you know that. Just like I wasn’t always Captain America.”

“Who were you?”

“I was a kid with bad asthma and a best friend who laid down his life for me.”

There was silence for a little while, Bucky doesn’t touch his food and Steve isn’t really hungry. 

“And who was your best friend?” 

“His name was - is - James Buchannan Barnes, nickname Bucky, he had a way with the ladies and he was always protecting me.”

Again a silence falls between them. “You remember something don’t you, or you wouldn’t be asking anything.”

Bucky looks out to the room. When he’s out on assignment he sleeps where he can, most of the times on rooftops, it didn’t mater if it was cold or hot, if it was raining or hailing. And when he came back from a successful mission it was always back to harsh voices, to a cold cave, and a coffin like device. Here, there’s warm light and a comfortable bed and a man who claims they’re best friends. 

“You were in my dream the other day. You were telling me to grab your hand, I try but I fall. I always fall. Two days ago the image was just a shadow, now that shadow has your face.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you Bucky, I wish it had been me instead of you.”

“I would appreciate if you didn’t call me Bucky, it doesn’t feel right. I may have the face of your best friend, but I don’t feel like I am your best friend.”

“I can’t call you the Winter Soldier.”

“Call me James then, James seems neutral.”

“Ok, I can do that.”

James doesn’t eat his pancakes, “too sugary,” he says. But he does eat the fruit and plain oatmeal.   


 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are always appreciated.


End file.
